Still here, hanging onto something worth waiting for. Worth every single moment like this if there is still a chance that it can be regained. It's as simple as that. I feel like everyone I know is against it, and yet here I am. I just don't care what they think. I'll stand by myself if that's what it comes down to.
When she was with me, I can honestly say I don't remember a time that I was any happier. Just a little over four months and I felt like that. That means something. It's been almost two whole months since she broke up with me, and yet here I still stand. If she told me she didn't care about me, if it was any other person, I would not have put myself through this. But it's not any other person, and she's told me she still cares about me.
I just want her to let me in. She seems so stressed all of the time, and I just want to help.
I think some people think I am hanging on to a lost cause, and I know some people want me to give up and move on. People I trust and confide in. And yet, I don't have a doubt in my mind that they are wrong.
Four months is not a long time, I know this. Though it has been my longest relationship, I still know how small of a time it is. I'm a simple person. All I need is to feel that feeling. That feeling where you know that something great can happen with this girl you are looking at. When I look at Sara, I can feel it. She has to feel it too. I just want to know what is stopping her. It hurts me thinking that there is something there that I can't fix.
No matter how hard this has been for me, no matter how close I have felt like giving up for the sole fact that I didn't think I could keep doing it, I need for her to know that I am still here for her. All she needs to do is tell me she wants to be with me.
I want nothing more than for her to tell me she still wants to be with me...
I'm so tired of myself. I dropped my internet class because I got way too far behind in it. Yeah, I hated the way the class was set up, but I automatically seem to go to dropping the class. I hate the position I have put myself in. Why couldn't I still be a normal student, working part time and getting to graduation soo much sooner? I don't think anyone realizes how stupid I feel almost everyday because of how I have been living my life. I know EXACTLY what I need to do, people are juggling a lot more things than I am, and I STILL can't seem to do more than linger around while everyone else moves on. No matter how much I feel like shit for what I'm doing to myself, which is screwing myself over, I can't seem to get out of this hole I've put myself in. I'm a shallow person in that I haven't been able to self-motivate myself in what seems like forever. I always need something or someone to help me along the way or to reafirm why I'm doing what I'm doing. Why can't I just do something because I personally want to do it? I want to graduate as soon as possible, yet here I am, in my fourth year of college and just barely not a sophomore. How the hell does that happen? How can someone put themself in that spot? I am that person and I still can't find the answer to those questions, much less the solution to fix them. I fear that it's only going to be so long before people start realizing who I really am, and then simply just move on while I keep digging my own hole. I want a college degree, I want a decent job, I want someone that is actually proud to say that they are with me. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem like I'm going to get any of those the way I'm heading.
I have nothing stopping me, and yet here I am, just making me feel more sorry for myself by writing about it. I just need to grow the fuck up.
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